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still i hope. hope? eh, not the right word. indulge.

i'd rather shout into the nothing than just accept the lesser.

if only things were easy, if only this weren't so purposely obfuscated, if only i weren't trying to be found while remaining guarded enough for plausible deniability.

As the years go by

Five years. And it all still seems like yesterday. My mistakes all seem so fresh, so undo-able. like i could still fix this somehow. i of course, know better. i even find myself reading craigslist's missed connections, making links that don't exist just to imagine that you might be reaching out to me. i'm not so deluded that i think it's possible though.

i've seen others since then, felt things, hoped, but never to the same level. no matter how much i pretend, how much i try to force it, none of it is as real.

recently, i've been finding myself enjoying what i've always derisively called "radio-music". here's a mini-playlist i would have played back then if time were as malleable as i'd like.

1. Frank Turner-Recovery
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUJPFpjNcBw

2. AWOLNATION-Sail
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH2efAcmBQM

3. Imagine Dragons-Demons
http://tinyurl.com/kvwdygf

4. Frank Turner-The Way I Tend To Be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cf5O2M5GaEA

Tags:

Church of Level Track-Tim Barry

I was drunk as hell with a friend way back down by Scotts Addition off a mainline track
He said what was on his mind like Id never heard it
Then in come this train called the 170
I heard it air up then felt it pull
They say that rain on the face cuts when you deserve it
And I sat and I thought
All that aint right is over for at least tonight and if I die trying now
I wont die wondering how life couldve turned out


Well that train hauled ass and made good time
Down past Rocky Mount on that old Seaboard Line
My friend just slept and I sat there silent
I had some whisky and some smokes and time to think it all out
It made sense this whole heading south
Sometimes its best to slow your pace when you cant control it
And I sat and I thought
All that aint right is over for at least tonight and if I die trying now
I wont die wondering how life couldve turned out


Down in Jacksonville that train broke up
My legs where stiff I thought Id walk it off
My friend faced west and mentioned Pensacola
I did the truck stop deal and prayed on four wheels
Sat on my bag, heard a J-break scream
I saw my face in a window and I thought I know him
And I sat and I thought
Although it aint right Im not heading home tonight
And if I die thinking here I wont die wondering
How life couldve turned out

Jan. 30th, 2010

this was going to be a post. it was going to be deep and meaningful, it was going to say something important. yeah, that's how it was gonna be.
Empty Lives by Star Fucking Hipsters

and when your mind is dead
empty eyes sit in your head
and you sense there's nothing left
with every passing breath
but you solider each day
why should thoughts get in the way?
there's a place for you right here
'cuz conformity hides fear
I'd say to you
I'd say to you "just try to change"
empty minds can fill again
we're not doomed by any fate
and it will never be too late

unless you die like all my friends
meeting silent jaded ends
then a lesson might be learned
you can fade away and burn
the two are not exclusive things

but the sorrow that they bring
it can jade us all to hate
'cuz empty lives don't devastate
I'd say to you
I'd say to you "just try to change"
empty lives can fill again
we're not doomed by any fate
and it can never be too late


it's a wheel of betrayal
it's a static emotion
it's the will to survive
with an inborn devotion
it's the courage to change
and admit your mistakes

it's the chance to rise up
with the raising of stakes
it's your consciousness
and the guilt you must feel
it's the time to stand up
and take back your raw deals
</b>
because the time has come
to put folks before wealth
or you will lose your family
friends and yourself
it's the horror and terror
that you sweep out of sight
it's the blaming of others
to help you sleep at night
it's the raping and death
that lies under your smile
it's the real estate
and the cash that you pile
it's all of these things
that are causing us pain
so I'll tell to your ass "just try to change"
'cuz empty lives can fill again
yes empty lives can fill again

so many things ignored....

so believe it or not, this is the first time i've heard this song since before march. i remember her talking about it, describing herself as the drugstore cowgirl. this was early in the relationship, perhaps even before we were actually together, in the dancey flirtations stage. haha... good times... anyways, it always seemed kind of ominous... i can't talk about it anymore.

without further ado i present to you my newest addition to the top 5 most heart-raping songs....
Beautiful Disaster by 311Collapse )

now, there is a flip side to this song, another perspective, though it doesn't help me feel any better. anyways, i think it's more accurate to say that i'm a disaster and a "butterfly in the wind without a care/A pretty train crash to me and I can't care"

and perhaps she "tried to keep up" with my crazy bullshit but i "wore [her] out and left [her] ate up"


>never underestimate the importance of music.
existance is only what it is because we are told it is such. we are told that we are living, carbon based human beings on the planet earth within the Sol system in the Milky Way Galaxy. and we believe it to be true, because it is what we see and feel. what i am suggesting is the ultimate delusion. the greatest con ever played. reality is an illusion. we are simply thought. an engine of idea fueling socially recognized realities. but we can be so much more. you don't exist. and in that realization, you are immortal.

My Creed

May my words do great harm in the name of great good. Honesty be my Sword; Skepticism be my Shield. I am a Warrior. I am a Poet. I am a Samaurai.

Bad Gadjit by The Gadjits

Well I'm so lonely that I really think that I could
Lay down and take a deep breath and die.

But instead I cry myself to sleep and think as I do,
"Zach, kiss your sweet ass goodbye."

When everything was going beautiful
and nothing stood in my way
I had to go along and throw that all away
and when the people tell me,
"Zach, kid, you better get your shit together"
and I wonder if I will I don't think that I'll ever.


(chorus)
na na na na oh yeah, you're so bad
Zach, you're such a fucking bonehead, kid
You get what you deserve and I'm glad

Sometimes I really wanna pack a bag and get out of town
because I finally felt the feeling to be free.
I want a big city life and a big city girl
and I'd like to take all of my friends with me.
It's these big-shot, insecure people we have
Who we give a right to hold a gun and a badge.
Tell me what to do and I'll tell you right back,
So sick and fucking tired of always picking up your slack.

(chorus)

Don't tell me what to do I'm gonna walk right over you
Cause I'm so lonely that I really wish that I could lay down
and take a deep breath and die

But instead I cry myself to sleep and think as I do
"Zach, kiss your sweet ass goodbye."

When everything was going beautiful and nothing stood in my way
I had to go along and throw that all away
and when the people tell me, "Zach, kid, you better get your shit together"
and I wonder if I will I don't think that I'll ever.


(chorus)