?

Log in

If I did something right
Would you give up this fight?

Would you say you were wrong and maybe someone else was kind of right
I'd like to think you would
You know I'd like to think you would
but I can't guarantee that what you get is an apology
Jump back to the day we met
I never thought that it would end this way
If ever I let you down I want to ask of you
To take it down a notch and we can talk it on through


And the days, and the days they seem like forever
And the days, and the days they seem like forever
But forever isn't ever enough!!

Jan. 5th, 2010

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”-Neil Gaiman

Lyrics Mega-Post

Sick and Sad by Streetlight ManifestoCollapse )

Walking Away by Streetlight ManifestoCollapse )

Giving Up, Giving In by Streetlight ManifestoCollapse )

Supernothing by Streetlight ManifestoCollapse )



you know what? there's more, particularly of Streetlight Manifesto, but this getting a little hard. so that's where i stop today.

A song I used to hate...

Don't worry about me, I'm gonna make it alright
Got my enemies crossed out in my sight
I take a bad situation gonna make it right
In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light


You see it's our style to keep it true
I've had a bad year, a lot to go through
I've been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She's not the one coming back for you
She's not the one coming back for you


If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
[x2]

It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You're gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason*
We're gonna make everything alright


Well the worst of times, now, they don't phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy


I'm very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew

I've been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She's not the one coming back for you
She's not the one coming back for you


If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend
[x4]


*Fuck you Mike. I still wonder how things would've worked out if you'd have kept your manipulative ass out of it. slowly and purposefully feeding her all the things you knew she needed to hear for you to have a shot. seriously, FUCK YOU. i WILL fuck you up one day. Believe that. You took the one thing from me that actually mattered. one day, one week, one year, i'll have my revenge. i promise you.
just watched an episode of family guy (the newest one) about peter losing the love of his life to a close friend because of a weakened mental state, one not entirely under his control. it felt very personal to me, and i wonder if she watched it and made the same connections i did? i don't know...


i do know this though: in the end, peter got lois back. as for me, i'm accepting the fact that i'm not so lucky.

(sometimes, i consider the possibility that the universe is backing me up. i've got a lot of evidence to support such claims. so i wonder: is it possible that this too was meant to speak to me, to let me know that someone gets it, or was it meant to offer her perspective on what happened? i don't know. ever since march, i guess i've just wanted to believe that there's a purpose to any of this.)
Excerpt from Brother of the Mayor of Bridgewater-by The World/Inferno Friendship Society

I look for you in crowds now that I don't know where you are,
as I'm pilled to the gills,
prowling through bars.
You are missed, missed,
missed as the men of The Bismarck.
I hope you know that you are.

Excerpt from Younger Man-by The World/Inferno Friendship Society

Everyone said it would end badly
It took a while but it did
And I hung my head sadly
And I got used to it
happy birthday.

the other week, when it was my birthday, i fell asleep on the couch. When i thought i had woken up, you were there laying on me, sleeping as we did. i started to get up and said "babeh, lasagna's ready!" and kissed you on the head. you lifted your head slowly, and forfeited a small "hmmh?" i can still hear that sound in my head... as i stood up from the couch, you vanished, and i realized i was dreaming. i woke up. no matter how many gifts i got that day, it would have been 1 too few. no matter how many times i was told happy birthday, i needed to hear it one more time. my birthday was a hollow day, it came and passed and i couildn't have cared less. now it's your birthday. and all i can wonder is if i've crossed your mind at all today. or even on my birthday. did it occur to you? how many years until we (or i) forget these dates? 9/11, 10/16, 11/01, 12/23?

it's almost been a full year. we've gone through almost every one of ours and society's holidays. with the exception of new years, and the dreadful valentines day... god thats gonna be shitty. especially since i constantly remember that you bought an extra sexy outfit last valentines day that i never ended up getting to see. i still wonder what that looked like...
watching how i met your mother... it's hard. its a great show and i love it, but it's just too damn hard. its a show about love and about finding it and the ups and downs of that journey. it's just too real for me now. when i had someone beside me, it was easy to watch shows about heartbreaks and breakups. Lovesick songs went unnoticed. its was all part of some dark world i'd never again have to face or be a part of. i was free to enjoy the spectacle. but now i hear songs for these same played out songs, but i hear them for the first time. Love songs strike only as mocking blows to my weakened heart.

now i notice the romance plots and sub-plots in everything. i used to watch the office and smile at the whole jim/pam love story. now when i watch it, i smile, but every time, an instant later, i remember... and all i can manage is a half-hearted smile and forced back tears.

maybe you're asking why these tv shows should be that important. firstly, these were very personal things that we shared for 3 years. watching the office, family guy, how i met your mother, invader zim, etc., was a lot of the time we spent together. even if it was just background noise, it always seemed to be around. these shows are interwoven and inseperable from my memories of her. same with FRIENDS. we watched every episode from first to last in order. following the ups and downs of thier romances, and finally finding them at their happy ending. which is my second point: personal investment vs. living vicariously.


do i really base my emotions off the weekly drama of fictional characters? of course not. but it is art, and as such, it makes me feel. it reaches out and inside, to remind you of these feelings. you don't personally know the embarassment of having to tell a group of high school kids that you can't pay for their college tuition as you promised (michael scott in the office-Scott's Tots) but you know what embarrasment feels like and they aim to draw that from you. i don't care what happens to fictional pam and fictional jim. i just wish it didn't hurt real jim so bad to see it.

how is that ever supposed to go away? how am i ever supposed to think about that show, or see a rerun commercial, or even any of the actors, without immediately remembering her? how does anybody live with these scars? is there something i'm missing? something i'm supposed to be able to do to just forget? because i'm starting to think that i'm the only one incapable of moving on. i'm sure she's moved on, everyone seems to. except me. i was in a wendy's the other day and i was once again reminded that smell is most closely related to memories... there was a familiar smell. it was the smell of working at friendly's. thick with grease and cleaning agents. the smell gave you the impression that there was a slight film on everything. even now, sitting here, i can almost taste the heavy, bitter air roll down my tongue.


the regrets are getting heavy and plentiful.
the loneliness is agressive in it's appetite.
my love is my judas.








this is what it looks like when a star twinkles out.

another breakthrough in the search for 27.

or another coincidence. but here it is. the number pi has 327 in it, starting at the 27th digit.

3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510

(edit:further studying)

up to the millionth digit, there is only one instance of the number 272727 (it starts at decimal place number 182094), which is 3 27's. the fact that there's even one is amazing. my birthday is also in there 121285 (starting at decimal place 216541)

also, there are exactly 800 instances of the number 666. after the 327th instance of it, there is a 42 and then a 27. (it looks like this: 6664227)

Uplifter by 311

"Hey You"

You've changed your tune any times
Since we've met
But I'll always recognize you
You are part of me
I feel you
Whether in Jamaica or in the Angel City
You are such a gift to me
Ooooh

Hey you
I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spent

Hey you
You're my constant companion
You always let me explain just what I'm sayin'
And we've just begun
Uuuuh

I've got one wish for this music
To be an uplift and I need an uplift to deal
There are few songs all the people can sing along one song
Come along and sing it for real
Ooooh

Hey you
I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spent

Hey you
You're my constant companion
You always let me explain just what I'm sayin'
And we've just begun
Uuuuh

As I wander around, town to town
Lost and found
When so many others come and go
(come and go)
The sweetness (sweetness)
Pulls me through

Hey you
I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spent

Hey you
You're my constant companion
You always let me explain just what I'm sayin'
And we've just begun

Hey you
You never turned your back on me
When I gave up on myself
Hey you
You never turned your back on me
When I gave up on myself

Hey you
What would the world be like?
Without you around